Steel Panther - Heavy Metal Rules

Steel Panther Heavy Metal Rules cover
Steel Panther
Heavy Metal Rules
Steel Panther Inc
Probably the title of Panther’s previous album, “Lower the Bar”, was kinda prophetic; they have indeed, since both that as well as this current album, seem unable to really stand head over high heels to the band’s debut opus or even “All You can Eat”…
Things are as frozen in time, as they’ve ever been for the Cali-fornicated Californians, from their wigs to their tight spandex tights… the Van Halen loosely tight jams and the “hillarious” over the top humor…
Opening with an excerpt from “Zebraman”’s infamous Heavy Metal Parking Lot monologue, about Madonna’s place in the cosmos, the band tries in vain to duplicate some of the debut’s DNA, by almost cloning parts of older songs to come up with the funky, but ultimately all flash, but no bang “All I Wanna Do is Fuck (Myself Tonight)”; this autoerotic opus feels a little too tired and wrinkly to get the job done, just like the flaccid penis of any old school gang banger who resides at the “Old Folks Home”…
“Let’s Get High Tonight” pays too much attention to its rather intricate rhythms and fluid guitar histrionics, seemingly forgetting to include a hook that really works... instead relying on its VH like grooves to carry across the message.
“Always Gonna Be a Ho” is a disingenuous ballad, in the vein of “Community Property”, if only a little sadder. Its hilarious video and anthemic chorus manage to make it the first song so far on this album that demonstrates good Panther husbandry practices in tune with the band’s earliest and best.
“I’m not Your Bitch” is a song I can relate to, not as much musically, but from a lyrics/message perspective. People busting your balls is a drag… it’s a bitch… the song is your average Pantherish Extreme meets VH bouillabaisse… that tastes barely okay. It doesn’t help that it’s reminiscent of the “Gang Bang” musically, past the middle, but that’s also where it displays some character of its own, so it sorta works.
“Fuck Everybody” could be a mission statement and while again I can appreciate the over the top “comedy” of the lyrics, the music leaves a lot to be desired on the subject of being memorable.
Unfortunately that tendency is not reversed for the album’s title track. “Heavy Metal Rules” is a tired rehash of the band’s own clichés. Whereas a song like “Death to All but Metal” was fresh, exciting and over the top hilarious, this sounds like the somewhat retarded twice removed cousin’s effort at doing the same thing. It’s no fun.
“Sneaky Little Bitch” doesn’t tread any new territory, but at least it manages to be vastly better, with a bouncy riff that works and a chorus, that might or might not have been inspired by Steelheart.
“The Gods of Pussy” might be derivative af, but at least it is rather cool. While it’s rather reminiscent in no small part of the non LP track “I Want Pussy”… (I know… variety is the spice of life)… that’s probably a good thing.
Last – and definitely best left off the album, is “I Ain’t Buying What You’re Selling”, a ballad, which seems to be committing the cardinal sin of comedy album songs… it’s rather serious. A piece of apolitical blues that is too damn serious in an album that repeats the words pussy and fucks more than two dozen times… each. It ain’t bad, it’s just too damn sad. Boo. Fucking… hoo.
With pretty much 3 good singles and not a whole lot more, the band might need to either cut back to releasing EPs, until they’re back in belly – aching laugh inducing form, or do another live album to give themselves some time to come up with really good goods and not leave us feeling like they’re jumping through the hoops… their words, not mine… cause right now that’s the feeling I’m left with. Still limber and lithe, the Panthers manage just to slip through the jaws of mediocrity…. keyword, just…